stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
