i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
