he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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