This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
