Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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