i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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