wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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