I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
