I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
