to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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