my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We are all done wearing pants today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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