Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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