Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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