my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
