I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
