So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
