Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
