My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
