I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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