This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
