Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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