Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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