I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
