People with herpes should wear stickers.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
