I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
