if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
