i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
