Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
