even my farts smell like vagina
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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