Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
