so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
