I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
