I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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