So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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