Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
