Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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