I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize