The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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