singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
