Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
