My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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