I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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