so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
