I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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