Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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