So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we're making bets on your personal life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
