At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
COCAINE IS GR8
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
