they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize