I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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