i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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