well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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