Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We have started to decorate penises.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
