He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
